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i went out with jack tonight even if i didn’t want to.  i washed my hair, i put on my dyed shirt, i put on my jeans, i wore a raincoat.  i put on lipstick, i picked him up when he asked and called and called and asked,  to.  we out to liz’s fancy italian restaurant and i had more in common with my best-friend’s gay roommate then i did with jack—her roommate was just so…affable.  then we struck up a covnerstaion while my friend and her gay roommate were back in the dining area.  jack and i were out smoking a cigarette and he was asking me why my liz would never shut up.  “she talks to everyone,” i said.  it’s just her nature; she’s great like that.”  then i thought back to my dream-  i was a on a train to portland, except it didn’t look like the portland i remembered.  it was cooler, i mean weather cooler, and i met a nice friend on the train with lots of kids, they could have been mine.  i went to a wooden house that i’ve seen before.

back in present time: we went to the Four Seasons because i suggested it.  i sat in the car to warm myself up , while everybody else stood outside smoking. i wandered around the lobby when we got there, fingering lamp posts, touching art work, smoothing over dried paint from some recent artist.  liz, my friend, asked me why i wasn’t’ making the moves on jack.  “i don’t like him that way, but he needs someone to kiss him. why not you?” so she did, but so abruptly. she was wearing a gold sequined dress and she climbed over top of him on the couch on which we were sitting.  some lady next to them, next to jack and liz, struck up a conversation with me.  liz’s roommate and i were squeezed in next to each other, on a high-back dining room chair.  i said that i ran a website documenting the best pornographic sites out there. it couldn’t just stop there.  i asked liz’s gay roommate to tell me something and he whispered to say that i specialized in CBT types of film.  he told me what it meant, and i had to hide my laugh.  the woman asked if my parents approved, and i told her that i kept certain things from them, and left certain things in.  she called me discerning

i went outside with liz and jack, who were at it now without me.  it was raining little droplets and i was wearing my high-heeled Toms, watching for high ships, or whatever-ships, passing through the west part of the harbor. i was just looking up past the 3rd window of tom clancy’s condo, when jack started to make out with liz.  i flicked my cigarette bud on the ground, and i walked up next to a blond guy and i ordered two appetizers and a moscow mule on jack’s tab.  jack came in from the rain, his hair matted back, and he walked around the long way to sit beside me at the bar.  i put my arm over his waist, like we did to act like sister and brother, and i told him that he had to kiss me in front of liz.  he was my date and he had to act like it.  but he said if i was his date, then i had to act like i wanted him to.

jack is really cute.  it’s why i cart him around to places.  but he figures it out.  i drop him off at his place, i use every excuse in the book to get out of coming up there. i say i don’t have boyfriends when he asks repeatedly, but then i make up excuses as to why i didn’t call him when i went out partying all night with friends at the bar across the street from him.  can’t i just cart him along? can’t i say, “yeah, we’re here together.  don’t make anything of it.”?  now i don’t know what to do with the both of them- liz and jack.  i just got over being mad at liz for jumping in line ahead of me for the ninth time at the office copier this week.  and jack? it was his birthday tonight and i bought him dinner. If i liked alcohol, i would have ordered a round for myself.  but i like peppermint tea and its not expensive. i left the restaurant early.  i left all of them there without me or my car and when jack texted “where are you?” i just said that i went home with a hot guy because it was the last thing to do in order to start a sunday out right.

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